No, I’m not that bad this time around.

However, I’m firmly in the grasp of the “Neverending Buffet of Doom” mode. It’s a fact that one or more of the following scenarios will be in play each month:

1. “Neverending Buffet of Doom” – where I want to eat anything and everything I can get my crabby little hands on. Bonus points if it’s unhealthy for my diet.¹ Many a stick of Orbitz has been chewed and compressed to the consistency of a diamond in the effort to not eat everything in sight, with varying levels of success.

2. “Midget Abdomen Attack II: The Midgets Strike Back” – pretty self explanatory, but for the non-ovarian carrying humanoids out there this entails bloating and cramps that feel like midgets had used you the night before as a punching bag for their upcoming Ultimate Fighting tournament. I’ve yet to find a medication that will quell this little person pummeling. In other words: cramps suck².

3. “Dear God Somebody Is Going To Die RIGHT NOW” – again, I think you can figure this one out on your own without the Cliff Notes version. My level of patience for anything that doesn’t instantly jive with my current set of opinions or standards is immediately escalated to “MUST CONTROL FIST OF DEATH” status³. Approach at your own risk.

Today, fortunately, I only want to eat my weight in Lay’s potato chips and enough bloat to make me feel like a beluga whale. Unfortunately, I ate my lunch about an hour earlier than normal, so I fear for this afternoon when the raging beast gets hungry again.

At least I’m not going to kill anybody. There’s always a bright side!

* * * * *

¹ – Like right now, I want to eat onion rings from Wagner’s Drive In. About a wheelbarrow full of them.

² – They can also suck it.

³ – Which in the color spectrum is Blackwatch Plaid, one step down from the cover of Rush’s seminal album “Moving Pictures,” which is obviously the point where I rain upon the earth with fire and brimstone⁴.

⁴ – I hope someone gets this reference. Because it’s awesome.