I’ve noticed that I have a very, very short temper lately.

Most noticably was me getting pissed off angry this morning at Rox for barfing on the couch sometime during the night. I seriously flipped out, yelled at her (swearing like a sailor) and then manhandled her to give her the Petromalt (for the hairballs) and her antibiotics for the cat acne.

Why in the hell am I getting so fucking angry now? And why did I get so angry at her? She’s just a little cat. I feel like such a heel now.

I suppose it could be attributed to a number/combination of factors – and if you don’t like what you see here, that’s too bad for you.

• Getting frustrated with the whole dating thing.
• My ex doing things that remind me of shit he did when we were married and it’s annoying as hell.
• Frustrated with my weight/health/fitness.
• Lonliness.

Yeah, I’m fucking lonely. Not lonely in the “I have no friends” sense, but I just feel alone. Working on all my house stuff this weekend really drove that point home. There’s things that you just need two people to do – and I fought through it and did it all by myself.

Don’t take this any other way than me getting all this off my chest.

I just want to be important to someone. Be that someone they think about all day, that they can’t wait to see me, hold me, kiss me. I’ve been utterly alone for over a year now – emotionally and physically – and I’m sick of it. It’s almost enough to make me wonder if there really is something wrong with me.

I hope I can chalk this up to not working out much while I was on vacation. But that doesn’t change how alone I feel when I close my eyes at night and when I wake up in the morning – that’s always been there. I hate that feeling. I don’t know if that’s a flaw in my personality or what – but starting today I’m going to try and not think that way – longing for what I’m missing most in my life and trying to be happy with what I have now.

Easier said than done, methinks.

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Another of the “starting today” items, I’m really going to change my eating habits. I’m not “dieting”, or anything like that – I’m changing how and what I eat. I’m doing a food log to help keep me accountable for my progress. The 10k training also starts up tonight – my goal is to do 5 miles tonight, no matter how long it takes me.

There’s a 5k on Saturday that I’m running in too – the Gold Country Run at the UofM. Part of the “Running Club” at work – the firm pays for the registration for one selected race per month. Pretty sweet, I must say.

* * * * *

Nothing like 83 emails in one’s inbox to say “welcome back” from vacation. Can I go home now?