I’m going through something that I vowed years ago that I would never, ever do again.

Ever again.

I mentioned in a previous blog entry that my husband and I weren’t getting along. Well, it’s more than that just not “getting along”; we’re getting a divorce. After living apart for over half a year, and with no resolution in sight, I made the decision that I couldn’t live like this anymore. I also made a conscious decision to end things before they got to the point where I built up a lot of hate and resentment over the whole thing.

Which brings us to now.

My whole world is turning upside down. I’m buying a townhome, buying a car (because he’s keeping our only car) and moving to an entirely new area within the next month and a half. Not to mention that we’ll be divorced within a month and that I will once again have to change my name.

I was married before this. I was with my first husband for almost 10 years, and when we got divorced I vowed that I would not get married again unless I was sure about it. Divorce, even when both parties are amicable and have no arguments, fucking sucks. It’s difficult emotionally, financially and spiritually, and I swore that I would not go through that ever again.

So this time, I was careful. I thought I made sure that this was the right thing to do. This time I asked myself “do you want this man forever?” I tried to do everything I could to make it work. But in the end, it didn’t matter and now here I am once again faced with rebuilding my life.

I don’t mean to sound morose or depressed about everything – on the contrary, it’s refreshing to have a new purpose in my life now. It’s going to be difficult, but things will get better.

Now, I don’t know if I will make the same vow this time around. I do know that I will not be getting into another relationship for a very long time, because I know when I fall for someone, I fall hard. I don’t know if I can take the rejection so soon or if I can even take the acceptance. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, but that’s not something I can predict right now. Therapy and antidepressants work wonders sometimes, and I didn’t have that the last time. I feel stronger now, which will help.

Don’t get married unless you’re absolutely sure, because if you’re not, someone is bound to get hurt.